What if now is a good time to switch back to Apple Music? Pay says that Spotify is getting a little to Artificial Intelligence-y and it takes a woman like her to say a thing like that to get me to think a little bit deeper about all the hand-crafted playlists I traded for algorithm-generated tracks when I made the switch in 2023.

I only switched because the sound system at my Auckland house-sit said I had to. and the music group chat full of cool people I adore was split 50/50 and so I chose a side and it served me for a while but

what if now is a Good time?

What if it’s a good time to stay in my home town? after all this talk of trying to move? and after trying to stay, too? what if it’s finally time?

I seem to be caught between two characters,

youth and experience

one is a young man, logical and strong and refreshingly bold

the other is a middle-aged woman, fluid and wise and startlingly assured

one is fearlessness, freedom

the other is gravity, confidence maybe

one is Neverland

the other is “Let it Land”

I saw my best friend get married this weekend. I was dropped to the airport, I boarded a flight, I landed in Atlanta, I ubered to the Lanier Islands and I celebrated and I cried and the people in this world who know me somehow better than anyone else — they were there, too.

And the whole entire weekend, I got to be myself. And the weekend wasn’t about me!

And maybe that’s precisely why I got to be myself — because none of it was about me. and it was a damn Good time and so, my question then becomes

Is now a Good time?

Especially if we’re all just here for a good time, not a long time and

Seeing as we had a damn good time

Together

I see-saw between two places, two feelings. The heavy ground tells me I already know things. And my youthfulness asks me about the city.

What could be there? Certainly, something you don’ yet know. It’ll be worth it, She promises.

And I believe Her — I believe I need to go and see and do more and more and more

but it’s because I’ve already bought the ticket, no? It’s in my hand I’m at the gate the wheels are turning the wings are out we’re taking off and I’m going and so

I can so easily convince myself this is something I have to go and see and do — it is baffling to me how quickly my mind can shift, chemicals and all. My own dynamism is wonderfully painful and today i squatted in front if my bathroom sink and I let out a good cry. For one whole song. and tears even streamed and it was Maggie Rogers

The Knife

on Spotify…

People tell me

Now is the time! You have no dependents! Now is the time to do what you’re doing and go!

And others tell me

It’s time to just choose a path, Alex. Yes, if it’s meant to be, it will be, yes and also, you’ve got to get on the train.

and while I hear them both,

I find it fascinatign and significant that I added my own name there to one of those — as if my voice has internalized one message as more personalized than the other

or more authoritative

or louder

more urgent

Is this a good time? Sorry to interrupt but, can we talk? Can I lay down for a while and can you hold me with your strong and familiar hands and can we just have a Good time even if now is not a good time?

Until You Know Better

Wedding songs but the ones by Nikki Minaj and Pitbull, mostly

Pre-mixed spicy margs in a plastic cup with those impossibly skinny straws

A Sunday morning dip in the lake with your boyfriend-for-the-weekend

Great Artists Steal

Three Deep Breaths, and one more for Good luck and even numbers (boyfriend-for-the-weekend)