Focus: Release and I forget what else

Monday I went without caffeine and Tuesday I tried the heart formula

Cacao, I don’t need a plan; I need a spark.

Coffee has loosened its grip on me — I tried matcha at an expensive café in Venice. And I’m just not convinced…

My therapist friend told me the medicine is like snow atop the game paths; there is a leveling. I keep calling it a “lifting,” and this week we are releasing, shedding skin like a snake.

It feels like expansion, amplification, a call to something greater within me

signs like birds, circles, and symbols of Egyptian significance show up time and time again

angel numbers representing alignment on the microwave hours later

I feel certain of myself and my timing. I feel sure that I am going to be okay — what an incredible place into which I have grown today. (If there is a person whose presence makes you feel a peace anything like this one; if there is a person next to whom you can sleep soundly and quickly, wake feeling rested and clear, amazed at how still you stayed through the night; a person who encourages you to take stock of your dreams; hold that person close and thank them for the light they’ve shone over your crown)

Most importantly,

I feel

and feel

and feel

that’s how I got to feeling that I’ll be okay no matter what — dropping into the body. into what my hands feel like — insides pressing up against the skin, at times like that could push through the encasing

expansion and amplification and elevation

I am reminded of the freedom in my queerness. Around the time when I first came out to my family and friends, I found that my proudest part of all this is that we get to pave a path entirely our own — one entirely different from what we have observed is so obviously not working for you all

the snow atop the path of least resistance

and I keep finding that out — it’s something I return to, the start of the circle —

there is no blueprint. A scary and liberating truth,

really

We’re all making choices

what’s scary is I cannot un-know any of it — I can never turn a blind eye to my desires and my impulses here beneath the lifted surface and I cannot any longer ignore the signs I encounter here

and, like drums and inhibitions,

I am scared of the power I’ve found

xx

In the unspoilt hours of the morning
You creep in and remind me
To remind someone 
To lean in to the deepest and darkest 
Of their youth
At some point those depths become
Further away
Harder to reach
Inaccessible for most of the day
For some reason
Anyone who will listen
Remind them of this 

Take it when it comes
Exactly as it comes 

xx