Focus: nervous system and the physical body

hydration and hydration and hydration — I woke up thirsty and a big glass of water nearby the door tasted really good — somehow satisfying in the way water is usually not…

My cat escaped — she, as an extension of me, showed her courage. She showed what had been in her the whole time. She showed she could climb the oak tree in the parking lot. and then it wasn’t about showing anyone else anything anymore — it became about her,

I like to imagine

and I know

because she’s my mirror

maybe

I like to think she’s out doing something free, not confined to the four walls of my room and en-suite bathroom. not pacing and jumping and scratching but

surviving

she could have been scooped up by some other human by now, though. I won’t know,

maybe ever

because it wasn’t a matter of her feeling ready — it was her being ready — she was always ready to spread her little wings. She just needed her opportunity. Everyone has their time limits, I believe. Everyone has their threshold, their boundaries. Everyone has their non-negotiables. Everyone has their

it’s okay for now s

it’s working until it’s not working anymore

everyone has their gut feeling that expiry is coming close

anyway!

my body is changing and it’s hard for me — not quickly, by any means. it changes at the pace of nature. one year and some months of sitting on a laptop does something to the human hip girdle. and the human eyes. my stomach is growing softer — seemingly by the minute. my arms are stretching long and stringy — I worry about the strength of my wrists, bearing weight each day.

they persist, though. they keep holding me up.

I do not worry about my breath, however. my singular and unique breath — she is strong. we are getting to know one another; she is different each day. I am not worried about my voice — which is something I am proud to say. it has not always been the case that I have been sharing words with my voice. It almost feels easier than writing these days — a strange shift in me.

Listen more than you speak — don’t speak just to hear yourself talk

I am worried I am a narcissist — I’m worried about my selfishness, my judgmental capacities and my inability to, unto this point, maintain a long-term partnership in my adult years.

I am trying to be the alien — more week one than week two, if I’m honest — to approach each day as if I were just a visitor here. to engage my childlike wonder, my curiosity.

I am trying to bring my Self into my work — desperate to stumble upon passion — oh, what fortune

I am trying to sit with Buddhism, inviting my feelings to tea and whatnot. Accepting myself and my circumstances radically.

I am trying to open my heart lower my walls trust people and love people I cannot seem to get out of my own way I cannot even cry when I try and tell myself sad stories

I wander the beach where I learned to play, I take the same access I once did, over one decade ago.

I am grateful for the safety I feel in the streets and the abundance I magnetize in the form of hugs and kisses and flowers and buzzes even in my pocket — people are thinking of me. which is sweet

why, though?

and what are their motives?

are they lying?

Am I lying?

does any of it matter? who has it right, anyway?

xx