“What do you want

for Christmas?”

for someone else to pay my rent

for someone to tell me I’m pretty just because they think it

I used to think that I could go my whole life catching feelings,

that I could be the one singular strong and brave person who didn’t shut down and turn my nose up and close my fists to the world. That I could fall and fall and fall in love and sit in hard feelings

only the hard feelings that I knew, of course

never the new hard stuff,

no.

There are people and things that happen that you never could have planned for — things that don’t align but for some reason you keep going

and I do not look back on this time and think

how could I have missed all the signs?!

because I see the signs

but the trick is that it feels like there are signs telling me to turn around no matter where I go — and I just have to take the road with the least amount of signs. For every avenue, I can think of at least 10 reasons to freeze and head somewhere new

and stay exactly as a I am just turning

around and around the traffic circle,

avoiding every exit

driving and driving and driving

and wondering why everyone is so bad at the traffic circle

making fun of everyone trying.

The question what do you want

it feels like I don’t know

but maybe I do know

and I’m so worried that if I speak it all out loud — if I let it all flow out of the fragile container that is the pit of my aching stomach

I’ll realize I’m not doing anything to get myself there

not doing enough, rather.

I’m afraid that I am asking too much.

I’m afraid that I’m the only one who has feelings, who overthinks, who has decisions to make and is making them day-in and day-out without having a single clue whether i’m right or wrong — whether being right is even the point.

I’m angry and frustrated beyond words

as in

I can’t even tell you why I’m angry and frustrated.

I’m lacking confidence and I’m staying quiet about it because I don’t want you to think it’s your fault but you’re not giving me what I want and when I told you that, you asked me what it was I wanted and I said,

I don’t know

and maybe I just want you to know for me.

Is that too much to ask?

Of course it is!

When I told you that I feel different every day, you said that you couldn’t relate

and that isolating feeling I felt right then is a feeling with a texture like cracking knuckles or sandpaper touching nails

and you don’t cry when we argue and so I think you don’t care very much care at all.

How could you?

I’m so worried that I am going to become accustomed to living a life that is not 100% aligned with what I want so I hold strong the calendar and my affirmations and I won’t decorate my living room

but if you ask me what it is that I want

I can’t tell you.

the way that I sometimes go too long without food and then mealtime comes and I don’t have the capacity to decide what to eat

I am in a constant state of wanting but I cannot get still enough to know what I want

What if this is exactly what I want?

How do I know that it is not?

maybe I start there —

what is it about right now and right here that I do not want?

is it just this fleeting feeling of discomfort?

Silly me! It’s not always going to feel the same as it did when you two first met

and that’s shit but it’s also great — it means it’s different and it’s changing and how lucky are the two of you to have met now, when you’re both alive and changing?

So. What if it’s love? What if it’s love for a long time?

Once when I asked my dad through teary eyes and sniffles while we sat watching elephants in the river whether it was all worth it — when I asked what even is the point of all of it

he said,

so earnestly he said,

well, it wasn’t all for nothing

you’re here

you’re mine

because of it

and we made it work for a little while

some would say a long while

and so that’s not for nothing

how can I take what i can get now

without insinuating that it won’t be mine forever

how can i invite longevity and live like this is my last day on earth

can I feasibly know how good I have it in the moment and comfortably settle in to the idea that relationships take time and time moves slowly,

sometimes

who am I to claim that this is not exactly what love is supposed to feel like?

Who does the supposing, anyway?

What do you not want for Christmas?

all I ever want is to know more of you

do I ask enough questions?

How do I let you know

in a language you can understand?

Until You Know Better

Take a look at the patterns. Tap at the walls. Stop playing the victim. Open your heart. No matter how hard it hurts to shatter it. Open the bloody thing up.

Write a letter to your future lover, maybe.

Be brave enough to wrap yourself around someone’s finger for a little while.

Great Artists Steal

“Fruit Sculptures” is a song from a podcast and it goes, “there’s never too much love and there’s never too many ‘I love you’s…” and the rest of the lyrics are really spot-on, too.