I like that there are still things I cannot have on-demand.

I like that in the age of next-day shipping and direct-messaging, it snowed yesterday in Tallahassee

and when I wished today that I could drive up this weekend and see the flurries for myself it occurred to me that the snow will have melted

because there are specific days of the week I can travel and there are distances that take time to traverse and so

there are goals I must release in order to get present and curious.

Recently, I was told that I should call switch out the word, “goals” for the word, “milestones.”

Even so,

I like that it can snow and I can feel like I’m missing out because there are some things I just cannot have

and that is okay

it somehow feels like a

what’s meant for me will be mine

kind of moment

as I practice patience, I also practice acceptance

and I invite humor

and I try to laugh when I really want to cry at the fact that as I grow, I must constantly let go of the things I thought would be mine, the expectations of what my life would be, the ideas of my being and my entire sense of self, even, that have made their way deep into my body because

what’s meant for me will be mine

maybe!

Recently, I have felt as though I am wading in the ruins of my broken dreams. sifting through the rubble of what I imagined my life might be.

I realized also that I have no recollection of what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up — I have no memory of ever seeing someone do their job and saying “I want to save lives” or “I want to fight for justice!”

What does it mean that I don’t remember those dreams?

I know I had dreams — I just told you I am wading through their remnants now.

I am navigating roads to find that the possibilities that once seemed endless are evermore finite with each turn I take.

So, no. I had no strong aim to be a doctor or a lawyer — there are people who tell me they knew exactly what they were made to do — they were so sure of it and so they chased it and now they have just graduated from their many years of classroom learning and they are now ready to save lives and fight for justice.

Another thing, too

I am always wanting some reason for why things happen — something or someone to blame

I am way more selfish than I would have ever been willing to see when I was traveling on my own — I feel like grieving this version of myself that could be entirely selfish and I just KNOW that there are people who would tell me that I’m too young to give up on this free and alone and selfish version of myself.

I feel like time is passing differently these days — what used to feel like a rather long time now seems short. For example, to give myself one year in one place felt like enough time to settle and make a judgement of its fit. And now, I feel as though four years is a decent amount of time to stay in one place and feel as though I can assess whether some place deserve more of my time or whether there are other places that need seeing.

But what if four years gets me stuck?

and simultaneously, I want to be able to paint a clear and beautiful picture of what the rest of my life might look like. I desperately want to know that I will be loved and cared for and stable and secure.

I hate that there are still things I cannot have on-demand.

Until You Know Better

adopt a cat

lean too far one way and then too far the other way

Great Artists Steal

“Sexy to Someone” by Clairo plays during this scene in the movie of my life.

“Will I See You Again?” by Three Sacred Souls is a song I am currently pretending I wrote

Olivia Dean sang “it goes if you let it” and I cling to it.