some (intensely unedited) words from my recent past that just put me on the verge of tears:

WHAT’S CRAZY is how standing under a big tree during an evening shower, being hit with raindrops on delay, raindrops whose lifetimes were extended thanks to the leaves of this big tree; is like looking up into the night sky, seeing into the past as you catch a glimpse of a many-years-ago burnt out star.

And also, that double rainbow i mean didn’t it take some time for the light to travel to my eyes? What’s so lovely is my “Fellow compatriots of glee” (Ross Gay) are seeing the same as me. As my art teacher taught me — art may only be art where there is a beholder — the rainbow, unseeable without eyes to see her — is the perfect example of this rule. Search for delight, put yourself on delight’s path, and you will find her. Close your eyes, and she disappears. As all art does.

And also, staring into someone’s eyes is while they search for the answer to a question you’ve asked about their past

Is a sort of seeing into what has been

And also, stepping onto new sand, choosing sand over pavement, is a sort of seeing into my own past

And stepping over the flower 

And sitting on the rocks

And feeling held and immovable

Is a sort of seeing into my own past

Is any of it now? 

Is any of this happening now?

The reality is that on some of your off days, it will piss rain. And some sunny days you will have to spend inside, hard at work. And some days, the croissant will go on sale just after you’ve had lunch and you cannot possibly justify spending any more money on a Tuesday. And sometimes you kiss someone on the mouth just because it just feels like the right thing to do. 

“I still don’t get it. I still don’t get the play. I don’t think I’m doing him right. “Just keep going. You’re doing him right.”

Escaped croissant flakes

That’s probably why I flatten my Kashiri like that 

Take your time baby, this is your show!

“Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides” – Tracy Ellis Ross but she said it like she heard someone else say it somewhere 

The world is full of cafes in which you’ll never dine and bars in which you’ll never drink and hotels in which you’ll never stay and lovers you’ll never experience 

It is about what’s knot

Every year it becomes clearer to me how lucky I am 

“ I loved my job because every day was different” …… how silly – every day is different 

“The smell of roast chicken ….. could cure cancer” – Roan about staffie on a Monday in late August 

Tamari almonds are one of my favorite things about this country

My discomfort feels like cold wind and a blanket covered in someone else’s dog’s hairs 

Love is always perfectly on time. 

At some point, you move into one of those houses you admired. And the sun shines all day long and you get out to see the last of it. 

Māori “Amaya” and the rainbow around the sun

If we are made of what surrounds us, I am made of sunlight streaming through windows, casting shadows on wooden floors. I am made of hard workers and also drunk patrons. I am made of blue skies. I am made of friendly smiles and funny accents and great sweaters. 

WHEN do they change the flyers on the roads?

And I always seem to find my flow as my shift nears its end

I cut my foot and I fainted and it was life-altering and then weeks later, I forgot exactly which foot it was — like it never happened — time has a way of passing and wounds have a way of healing, thank Goodness

I have always loved watching humans be humans, especially where they sit. And today, as I sat on a bench in the shade on a Saturday afternoon, eating a discounted veggie panini just before work, I felt like a human being a human. Being observed rather than observing. And that is very exciting and special to me. I was the subject in that moment; I am starting to feel like the subject more often. This may be the mark of growing up .

The first time I have ever celebrated my birthday in the springtime! Who says you can’t teach an old dog New tricks?!?

Where people sit : the knots and empty chairs 

It’s better from the outside

Places I want to stay: solar studio after class

Places I don’t want to stay: the pub after my shift 

Places I don’t want to stay: in a car with two gossiping women, holding onto things I don’t know, leaving me out of iSpy

Why on earth would anyone want to read Matthew mconohaugh’s memoir? 

Biting heads off of snakes in the high spring sun

Insides not matching outsides: Darius Rucker in the car today

You don’t have to do the thing just because it’s something to do 

Opening my throat chakra, I shake my neck like a pelican. How do i leave this year behind me? How do I honor her? How do I welcome a new year?

It’s hard to dance like nobody is watching when I’m so good at watching — 

Will I ever get tired of doing exactly what I want to do? 

At what age did you start closing your door to sleep?

I love the quiet streets of a Sunday morning. Standing in the sun waiting for the 105, I never thought I’d know how to read that time table — that’s the difference of days — the difference between day 21 and day 121 is that I can read the bus stop time table 

Until You Know Better

Billie’s new album on repeat and repeat and repeat again

cold plunge ALL THE WAY IN

xx