Quitting!

Giving up!

That’s right! You heard it here first folks! I will not be finishing this through-hike!

*GASP*

Well,

I will be finishing it!

In fact I am quite close to being finished with it.

I think it’s safe to say my finish line falls just a bit short of the supposed “real” finish line is all.

“WHY?!?!?!?!?”

I try, in the spirit of integrity, to be honest with those who ask about my place on the trail and my journey overall. I think I say something different every time; my excuses are housed safely in my knees, feet, left shoulder (oddly enough) and bank account. I take refuge from the bombarding queries, tinged with smugness and the looks of disingenuous disappointment, given away by upturned dimples and raised eyebrows.

I think my effort to spit out the words,

“I’m just… ready for something…else,”

requires more courage than having ever started this trail in the first place.

Someone I barely know, presumably sprawled on a comfy sofa, tip-tap-typed the following message to me just today,

“You haven’t really made it very far, I hate to break it to you, hun.”

!!!

Hun!

!!!

Te Araroa is a 3028km through-hike and when I said I was going to do the whole bloody thing, I bit off more than I could chew! I’ll say it!!!

Okay?!?

Maybe it’s the kilometers to miles thing!

Idk!

What is it about quitting, moving on, changing plans, giving up, failing that keeps us doing things we do not any longer enjoy doing?

Or

keeps us from doing things we would rather be doing?

It’s the judgement, right?

I began this journey to be free from judgement — to move lightly, with anonymity, and find out what makes me. I found freedoms and I also found limitations and now, my body yearns for rest and my mind wants to settle, integrate, and reflect.

And because I can, I will honor those desires.

Because I can.

Because so often, my body and mind want things and I say, the way you would to a child who could not possibly know what is best,

Maybe later

and then later never comes

And She feels neglected

And maybe you wake up a little sick and achey

Or maybe you go a whole day without saying thanking Goodness for the fresh air and the clean drinking water

And then before you know it, She stops asking for anything at all

And She becomes a stranger

And you become two floating halves, never whole, always wanting, never satisfied.

…

Dramatic, I know! But I have to justify this failure somehow!

A lesson from the trail herself: just do the thing now

So now

I am going to find a beach

And retire these damn Hokas

Things I’m looking forward to:

Buying the big kombucha

Swimming in saltwater

Getting a pedicure

Starting by yoga teacher training (!)

Baking something

Wearing jeans

Wearing a T-shirt

Not wearing shoes

Buying a loaf of Vogel’s

Watching something on Netflix

I affirm: It is okay to seek ease. I am still brave.

xx

P.S. I just know one day I’ll think it was so silly that these material, comfortable wants were on my mind when there was this great big trail ahead of me. I hope future me is more compassionate than present me; I hope she trusts me. Regrets are never worth their weight.

P.P.S. All of this after a dear friend of mine comes all the way down-under-and-a-little to-the-right to visit me! And I get to share with her so many of the places I have fallen in love with! And there is just something about the sharing!

Great Artists Steal

“Our choices are half chance / and so are everybody else’s.” – Mary Schmich in her article, “Wear Sunscreen”

One southbound tramper I crossed expressed to me in explicit honesty, when I was already lower than low, “There hasn’t been one single day on trail where I thought, ‘I’m having fun.” She has not had fun in three months. But she’ll maybe finish! Making it four months! — Is that wisdom? Am I too young to get it?