I have been neglecting my gratitude practice, not making time to physically note what has been delighting me. I hope that once I settle into being on the move, my practice will find its place.

That I will make space for it*

Today felt lonely. Arriving in Queenstown yesterday, especially at such speed, with such laze, I wondered about my tiredness. I wondered about my bloated heaviness, my hotness, my sadness. I have for the moment decided I feel more lonely in crowded towns than when I am alone in the forest, able to hear my voice, in clear conversation with Goodness.

Of course this was just one town and one evening and one feeling but

Today, when my journey feels impossible on the heels of some resting days and when my swallowed voice has started to bore me, in perfect time, I came across a lost draft:

“Trying to Walk a Long Way at Twenty-Three

When I landed in Auckland for the second time in my life, I said out loud

How did I not notice this the first time

“This” being how absolutely gorgeous this land is

“Gorgeous” being unaltered

As if left to its own devices

As if no one is fighting to claim it

Make it theirs and no one else’s

In one month, I will fly to the bottom of the South Island of New Zealand — maybe closer to the South Pole than I’ve ever been

And I will start to walk North

And step by step

I will make my way to the top of the North Island

Some 3000 kilometers

Maybe over the course of 4 months

Why?

Because it will be hard

Because I have the time and the working limbs

Because I want to set and chase a goal

Because it will be good for my health

Because it is real and everything else feels fake

Because it will change me and I will see things I have never before seen and do things I have never before done

Because I like how I look with my pack on my back

And because I am trying to be my own and while I will never own this land, I will have walked it, borrowing and returning the pieces beneath my feet with each successive step,

and there is some sort of ownership in that

there is some sort of something in that

Maybe

I’m reading a book about *women walking and the author sprinkles in some scientific findings about walking and its health benefits and blah blah blah and it’s lovely stuff, really, but

As a dear friend just reminded me when I asked him whether he ever finished that book about the healing properties of water,

Some things just make sense

So much sense that reading about it almost takes the magic out of it

So much sense that the words you put to it don’t actually help you access the deeper understanding you already possess

Doing the walking

And feeling the Goodness in the steps

Will spark something

Maybe

And then you can know it

And not write about it

But I’ll obviously do my best to write about it

And ruin the magic

Hopefully not”

xx

Until You Know Better

Dust off and press play on J. Cole & Lil Baby’s “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l”

Affirm: this is my journey and I get to choose